


there's a letter sealed and unopened for you (we hold it in the most when we're wearing thin)

by OsleyaKomWonkru



Series: The Untold Story of Wonkru [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bunker Life, Cannibalism, Episode: s05e02 Red Queen, Episode: s05e11 The Dark Year, F/F, Gen, Graphic Violence, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Letters, Octavia Doesn't Need Redemption She Needs Someone to Listen, Octavia Needs a Hug, POV Bellamy Blake, POV Octavia Blake, Post-Episode: s04e13 Praimfaya, Post-Episode: s05e13 Damocles Part 2, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Start of Bellamy's Redemption Arc, Suicidal Thoughts, Wonkru
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-25
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2019-07-02 10:24:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15794610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OsleyaKomWonkru/pseuds/OsleyaKomWonkru
Summary: Monty's revelation about the new planet is followed by a more personal one for Bellamy - and now in his hands he has a pile of letters. Letters Octavia wrote to him for six years, while trapped beneath the ground.What happened to her. What happened to Wonkru. What they did to survive. What she did to make them survive.More horrors than just the Dark Year lurked beneath the ground, and as Bellamy learns everything Octavia could never tell him, he realizes just what they lived through, and has to face his own complicity in creating his sister's own personal hell.(No smut; rated E for violence, cannibalism and other dark topics.)





	1. The Golden Age

**Author's Note:**

> This is a project I've had in the works since the beginning of the season, and now that the season is over and so many things weren't resolved that I wish were, I've finally been able to write it.
> 
> In short: I have Feelings about how everyone treated Octavia. Treating her as this irredeemable monster instead of a broken and traumatized teenager who was forced into a leadership role that she didn’t want, advised by a group of morally bankrupt adults who gave her their darkest instructions and then turned her into a scapegoat when she followed through on them. And then, worst of all, the person who you’d think would try to help her - her brother, the person she trusted more than anyone else in the world - turned on her and poisoned her and then dared to get salty when justice was served for his crimes.
> 
> Yes, I have Feelings.
> 
>  **Plenty of warnings** for this one. Just about every one that you could think of, except sex. There's no smut in this story, though other stories in the series might have some, since this is just the first story in The Untold Story of Wonkru, that provides an introduction to the six years of bunker life. If there's a situation mentioned in one of Octavia's letters that you'd like a one-shot of, just let me know! I already have several in the works.
> 
> Title is from two Fleurie songs - "Chasing All the Stars" ([YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IhUPzA_LuI)|[Lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/fleurie/chasingallthestars.html)) and "Hurricane" ([YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZcf3oXfz5k)|[Lyrics](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/fleurie/hurricane.html)), both of which I think speak well to Bellamy and Octavia's tumultuous relationship. I love the Blakes so much, and this season has been just devastating for the siblings.
> 
> Chapter titles are, appropriately, from Ovid's _Metamorphoses_ (save for the last one).

Bellamy had just stepped away from the window that showed him and Clarke the promise of a new start, a new _world_ , when he heard a cough and turned his attention back to the screen, where Monty was still visible.

“Bellamy? One more thing.”

Bellamy almost responded to Monty, as if he was still real, but caught himself just in time, even as tears threatened again, knowing his friend was now dust in space, light years away from where they now stood.

“Years ago, not long after you went to sleep, we started organizing all of the belongings that everyone had put aside. I found something that I think you should have. That you should read, before you start waking everyone else up. Maybe I shouldn’t have read them, but - but I wanted to understand her. Why she did what she did. What she went through that she never told any of us about. We were all so wrong about her, Bellamy. And when she wakes up, she’ll need her brother again. She’ll need you. Please don’t deny her that.”

_Octavia._

Jordan came up beside him, pressing a bundle of letters into his hand, squeezing his shoulder in a gesture so reminiscent of Monty that several tears slipped down his cheeks unbidden.

Bellamy looked to Clarke, and she gave him one of her half-smiles. “This is for you to do, Bellamy. On your own.”

“But don’t you want to know?”

“I already do. Some of it, anyway. My mom told me, as she was going through detox. I’ll be honest, I - I was harsh to judge Octavia from what mom said. But Madi reminded me of what we’ve done, you and I, and I know we probably wouldn’t have done any better if we’d been in her shoes. You should give her a chance.”

“Why didn’t she just tell me? After we got them out of the bunker? Before… before everything.”

Clarke gave him a look. “This is Octavia we’re talking about. When has she ever been forthcoming about her feelings? She was afraid. Afraid of how you’d judge her rashly for something you had no hope of understanding until you had the time to think about it and realize the impossible situations she was in. I guess she thought it better for you to hate her for what you thought she was than risk seeing fear and disgust for the truth.”

“But Indra, Gaia, Kane… they were there. They lived through it too. I may have betrayed her not knowing the full story, but they did. They knew it all. And yet-”

“Bellamy. Are you really looking for excuses to keep hating your sister? Read her side of the story. Please.”

Clarke walked away, muttering something to Jordan about being hungry, and he led her off into the ship, leaving Bellamy alone with the letters in his hand.

Bellamy sighed, running his hand through his hair, before dropping into the nearest seat. He opened the small note on top of the pile of letters and his heart dropped.

> _Bell, I know you hate me right now. That’s fair. We’re heading into the valley tomorrow, and I know that whatever happens, that will be where my fight ends._
> 
> _You’ve realized by now - I hope - that life in the bunker was hard. Much harder than living under the floor of the Ark. But how hard, I don’t think you can even begin to understand. And that - that’s why I need to get my people to the valley. After everything we’ve been through, they deserve it. I owe them that more than anything._
> 
> _It might have been silly, but I wrote letters to you the entire time we were down there. And even after you rescued us. Everything I could never say, because I couldn’t bear the way that you’d look at me if you knew the truth._
> 
> _I’ve given these letters to Niylah, so that she can give them to you after I’m dead. So that no matter what has happened between us, you can see that your sister was still there under all the armour. Behind the mask of Blodreina. And I hope that you’ll remember her as the girl under the floor, and not the red queen._
> 
> _Ai gonplei ste odon.* I love you, big brother._
> 
> _-O._

  
The note fluttered to the floor as Bellamy buried his face in his hands. He’d always thought of his sister as a survivor, someone who would constantly fight the odds to be able to live, to survive.

Somehow, ever since he’d returned to the ground, he’d missed all the signs that she no longer operated on that same paradigm. What he’d seen as the power plays of a tyrant were something completely different. Desperation. That the fatalism that had taken root in her after Lincoln’s death had grown even darker, leaving her with no hope for herself, only for those she pledged her protection to. _Wonkru._ She had but one goal, one mission, everything else be damned, including herself.

_Get her people to the valley._

Bellamy thought back to when she’d looked at him, before stepping out to die to save Gaia and give them the opportunity to escape to safety.

He’d thought she was looking to him for her redemption. Now he realized she’d been asking for _permission_. Permission to end her fight. Permission to die.

And he’d given it to her.

“I’m sorry.” Bellamy whispered to the empty room.

He picked up the first letter, and started reading.

> _Day after Praimfaya_
> 
> _Hey, Bell. I feel kind of ridiculous writing this, knowing you’re never going to read it. Hell, I don’t even know if you’re alive. I don’t know if you made it into space. But I hope you did, I have to believe that you did, and that in five years, we’ll be reunited._
> 
> _Five years is a long time. But I’ve been the Girl Under the Floor before. Only last time, there weren’t 1200 people looking to me as if I’m their saviour. Looking to me to lead them. But what leadership do they need? We’re not doing anything special. Just surviving. All we have to do is not go crazy down here. Why do they need me to tell them how to not do that? Train with a friend. Start a sewing club. Read a book. Just mind your own business already._
> 
> _There’s a library here. I haven’t had a chance to see it yet, because people seem to require my permission to take a shit, but Niylah’s told me about it. I hope soon things will settle down and people can manage their own damn lives for a change and I can go see it._
> 
> _At least we’ve got a bit more on our plates than algae, right? I bet that’s going to suck. Stay strong, big brother._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy smiled. This sounded like the sister he remembered. He also remembered that first batch of algae - well, the first batch of algae that they all ate, after Echo had successfully tasted the second batch without any ill effects.

Echo… maybe he should have said something to Octavia before she’d shown up? Been honest from the outset, instead of hoping that she’d come around when it was shoved in her face? He knew Octavia had never forgiven easily, but perhaps if it hadn’t been thrown at her out of nowhere, with more time to prepare, it could have gone better? It was too late now, but maybe not too late for a fresh start.

> _17 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _Worst group of people to be trapped in a bunker with. Seriously. Why can’t people just be decent to each other and mind their own business? Why do they need me to sign off on it? I’ve started ducking out of my room whenever there’s an announcement for a meeting of delegates, because why would I want to sit through yet ANOTHER morning of people complaining about how this person or that person gave offense to someone. Fight your own battles, I don’t need yours._
> 
> _I don’t always make it out before Indra finds me. Then I do have to go, and she dresses me up as a Commander even though I know I’m not. They know I’m not. It’s a stupid charade._
> 
> _But when I do make it out… I’m free. Miller helped me sometimes, but ever since Jackson started reciprocating his moon eyes, Miller doesn’t have as much time to train with me anymore. But Niylah’s always there for me when I need her. She hides me in her cart and we disappear off to the library. Indra hasn’t thought to look for me there yet. Who would’ve imagined that Osleya likes to read? Haven’t really had a chance to do it since we came to the ground._
> 
> _The library’s amazing, Bell. Niylah and I still haven’t explored all of it, and it is often just the two of us, not many others are interested in books. I trust her, and it is good having someone that doesn’t want anything from you besides the pleasure of your company._
> 
> _I… might have done something impulsive. I know, what’s new, right? But I’d never been so terrified to do something like this. So scared that I’d ruin something that was already wonderful._
> 
> _I kissed her._
> 
> _She kissed me back._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy was happy for this moment where it seemed like his sister had been happy too. He didn’t know much of Niylah, except that she’d once been involved with Clarke, and when Octavia had been sick - when he’d _poisoned_ her - Niylah never left her side. He also knew that Niylah didn’t trust him. He’d seen it in her gaze when he’d come into the room to check on Octavia - it looked like she suspected him from the moment he entered.

She hadn’t been wrong. Not to mention when they’d first met, he’d held a gun on her. And participated in the massacre that killed her father. There was that too.

Bellamy sighed. Echo had tried to kill Octavia, and he had killed the father of the woman who was his sister’s - girlfriend? Lover? Confidante? He hadn’t seen any sign that they were romantically involved in the time he’d spent with Wonkru, but he did know that Niylah cared for her, that was unmistakable.

What he’d done to Niylah - another thing to add to the list of wrongs to put right.

> _45 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _Hey, Bell. Things are… settling into a routine, I guess? I don’t like all of it. There’s still too many delegate meetings for my liking, and people are still arguing about stupid shit. But all in all, could be worse._
> 
> _You can tell Clarke and Raven that the ice bath worked, and Abby is getting back to normal. Still has some headaches, which worry me a bit, but Raven, I guess you could’ve had them too? Not that you’d ever complain about it._
> 
> _Niylah is… well, there’s some things a brother doesn’t need to know, right? We’re good. Better than good._
> 
> _I was in a bad place, after Lincoln died. I mean, you know that, you saw that. You got the worst of my anger. I am sorry about that. I know it was Pike who pulled the trigger, not you. I got lost in rage for a long time. But I didn’t need to stay there. I didn’t have to hate myself. I didn’t have to hate the world. I could get out of that darkness. Ilian taught me that. He taught me that I could find peace, given the right circumstances. Unfortunately, those right circumstances weren’t with him either. Praimfaya, the Conclave, and… I killed him, Bell. I didn’t want to, but he begged me. After Echo put an arrow through his throat. I still can’t believe you took that traitor to space with you. I hope she doesn’t slit your throats while you’re sleeping._
> 
> _But maybe now, with Niylah, I do have the right circumstances. Maybe now I could find peace. After all, it isn’t like we’ve got much else to do down here, right?_
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy suddenly realized he didn’t really know anything about the six years in the bunker. Only how many people had survived it. 1200 had gone in, 814 came out. And what he’d landed in - the fighting pits. He’d assumed that’s where most of the deaths had taken place, with Octavia’s strict justice system, reminiscent both of the Ark and the stories they’d read as children.

It had looked like there was so much death there, but when he did the math - it couldn’t have been nearly as bloodthirsty as he’d initially thought. Math provided a rate of five deaths per month, give or take, during the entire time of the bunker. But here he was reading on day 45, and there was no sign of any violence. There was still a council that Octavia didn’t even want to participate in, she wasn’t ruling by the sword, or anything else by that matter.

What changed?

The next letter started to give him his answer. As he unfolded the paper, he noticed it was covered in bloody fingerprints and tear stains.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _*Ai gonplei ste odon - My fight is over_


	2. The Silver Age

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy learns how the gladiator fights started and about Wonkru's descent into the Dark Year, and the burden Octavia shouldered for all of them.

> _46 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _Bell…_
> 
> _How can things change so much in 24 hours?_
> 
> _I woke up this morning with Niylah. It was just any other day. She went to do her thing, I went to train with Miller. Indra interrupted us and dressed me up and dragged me off to another delegate meeting._
> 
> _Niylah met us on the way, and gave me a copy of Ovid’s Metamorphoses. I opened it, and read out the first line: “I intend to speak of forms changed into new entities”._
> 
> _Maybe it was a sign. A sign that peace eludes me even here, and no matter what I try and do, peace has to come at the point of a sword, or everything will descend into chaos._
> 
> _During the meeting, we heard banging from above. On the hatch door. Abby was convinced it was Clarke, and how could it not be - who else had Nightblood, and knew about the bunker?_
> 
> _Abby and Kane couldn’t get the hatch open to find out. Rubble, they said. The building may have collapsed on top of us. Which meant whoever it was - wasn’t getting in. And we weren’t getting out._
> 
> _This sent everyone into a panic, naturally. I was worried too, but not for the same reasons, not really - now I worried that you’re dead. But you can’t be dead. You were going to space, right? But why would Clarke stay behind? What happened for that to happen? Did you not make it?_
> 
> _I have to believe you’re alive. And I have to believe that in five years - you’ll be back here, clearing the rubble, and letting us out._
> 
> _That’s the only thing keeping me from totally losing my mind right now._
> 
> _Once Kara Cooper let it slip that the food situation could become impossible after five years, we cut rations. Just in case. Make them last a bit longer, at any rate. Abby says that we won’t starve, but it could be close. But that’s not anything new to live with, right? That was our childhood, you and mom always giving part of your rations to me. We’ve done this before._
> 
> _But then during Skaikru mealtime, Cooper led a mutiny. Sealed the doors to the cafeteria, and the hydrofarm. It left about a dozen members of Skaikru on the wrong side of the door, including Jaha, Miller and Ethan. And me, I guess._
> 
> _They intended to starve us. Keep the bunker for themselves, just like Jaha and Clarke did during the Conclave. Which means shit hit the fan outside, real quick, and chaos descended. Everyone started fighting each other, and I mean everyone._
> 
> _Jaha came up with a plan though, to get the doors open. Only he didn’t tell anyone that some Azgeda warrior gutted him, and he only had so much time left to do his engineer thing._
> 
> _Maybe if he’d had more time, I would have fought him on it. Maybe if the survival of more than 1100 people hadn’t rested on him connecting the damn wires and opening that door, I would have been able to come up with another solution._
> 
> _But there wasn’t one._
> 
> _I’m a warrior, I’ve killed before. Hell, I’ve even been an assassin. But this - this was different. I wasn’t killing people in a battle or because they’d wronged someone. I was killing people to make them listen to me. And so they’d **keep** listening to me._
> 
> _Jaha died, and I became him._
> 
> _Forms changed into new entities, indeed._
> 
> _If what they’re all telling me is true and there are too many people in this bunker and that we’d have to consider population reduction - no. I am not doing that. I won’t. I’m not going to kill my people like that. So zero tolerance of crime or dissent becomes my only option._
> 
> _But I still believe in choices. I always give a choice. You are Wonkru, or you are the enemy of Wonkru. The people who died at the farm door, it was their choice. They could step away and trust that I would get the farm back, or they could come at me and my sword. And then the criminals - I didn’t float them all. All of the rulebreakers, mutineers and blanket-stealers alike, I gave them a chance._
> 
> _Just like Ancient Rome._
> 
> _I shouldn’t have been surprised that Cooper was the one to make it out of that gladiator battle. She’s a fighter. But the rest… they’re dead. And that’s on me._
> 
> _I didn’t save us all just so we could kill ourselves, that’s what I’d said to Jaha earlier in the day. I mean it. I don’t want my people to die, Bell. I feel each of the deaths. They matter to me. They’re not just faceless people. I know each of their names. They put their trust in me to save them, and I failed them._
> 
> _33 of my people died today. 18 of them by my own hand. Let’s hope it doesn’t have to become a habit._
> 
> _Habit or not, Niylah walked away from me after the gladiator fight. She thought there could be another solution._
> 
> _I wished for one, too. But none came._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy sighed, putting the letters down and rubbing his forehead. This was where it all started, then. He knew his sister’s longstanding hatred of Jaha surpassed his own, so the thought that she’d had to either resort to his obey-or-die tactics or watch the grounders starve to death must have been unbearable for her, but ultimately had to resolve to save as many people as possible. What choice would he have made in this scenario, had he been in Octavia’s place?

Probably the same one she had, though he wouldn’t have had the skills to back it up at that time. He’d learned a lot from Echo on the Ring, but if he’d been in the bunker, he wouldn’t have had his sister’s skills with a blade. And a gun in a crowded corridor would have only gone so far and carried the risk of hurting someone who had submitted.

But after that initial fight in the corridor… the fighting pits… everyone from Skaikru had a lingering distaste for the zero-tolerance policy of the Ark, the delinquents more than anyone. That Octavia adopted it shocked him. But trapped between dwindling resources and chaos and mutiny - would he have chosen differently?

There were more than twenty letters left in the pile. He picked up the next one.

> _247 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _This is hard, Bell._
> 
> _Now that I’ve got a system, I have to stick to it, as much as it pains me. Because if people won’t follow me, they’ll fight each other. That’s the honest truth of it. I’ve resisted Gaia’s efforts to build up a cult around me like the Commanders, but even if I don’t endorse it, that doesn’t stop her from trying among my people._
> 
> _A lot of my days are spent deciding what’s a crime and what isn’t. I hate it. Because one gets you an eyeroll as I tell you to go and sort your own shit out, and the other gets you a spot in the gladiator arena._
> 
> _Kane wishes I’d find some sort of compromise solution for minor crimes, but he wasn’t there, Bell. He was locked up in the hydrofarm while I had to watch as my people started killing each other out of fear and desperation. The only way this works is if people fear the law more than they fear each other. And for better or worse, I am the law. 14 more of my people have died, all in the arena. I’m doing my best, every day, to keep my people alive, but it doesn’t feel like it is good enough. **I** never feel like I’m good enough._
> 
> _Heavy is the head that wears the crown. I get that now. Tell Clarke I’m sorry for how I judged her before._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy thought back to the day that they’d opened the bunker. He’d landed in the arena first, looking for his sister until she materialized right in front of him and leapt into his arms, as if no time at all had passed.

Then, Clarke had landed next to him. Octavia was at once more formal, clasping arms with the other girl and giving her a look that Bellamy hadn’t understood before, but now he did - with that gesture and look, she was acknowledging Clarke as a fellow leader, with all of the pitfalls and baggage that it entailed.

He thought of the first real conversation he and Octavia had had outside the bunker - how he’d questioned everything about her and what he’d seen in the fighting pit. Now that he thought about it, he realized how condescending he had sounded, as if he was just speaking to his little sister playing house and not the leader of what remained of the human race who had been keeping them alive for six years.

That had been his first mistake, in a long line of them that now led to him sitting here, 125 years into the future, and two of his closest friends dead of old age in the meantime.

Could that all have been avoided if he’d just listened to his sister? He picked up the next letter.

> _733 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _It always gets worse._
> 
> _I hope this isn’t a situation that you guys have found yourselves in on the Ring. I know it is just as real a possibility for you as it has become here, if your algae farm fails. But we don’t even have an algae farm to fall back on. We’ve just got the regular hydrofarms - and a soybean fungus that’s killed all of our protein for at least a year until new plants can be regrown. That’s what Cooper says._
> 
> _In the meantime… Abby says that if we don’t get ten percent of our calories from protein, that we’ll starve to death. She’s a doctor, I’ll have to trust her on these things. But what that means for our survival…_
> 
> _Indra and Abby both say the fighting pits are the only option. But eating our dead? Is that really what it has come to? Kane’s against it. I’ve asked him to give me another option, but Abby says there isn’t one._
> 
> _But I’ll be damned if I don’t try. I’ve always taken the third option when given two choices. I had two choices when entering the Conclave - die, or win the bunker and take it for my clan. I won, and saved all of the clans. I’ll do the same now, and no one will stop me. I am Osleya, the champion, and it falls to me to save my people._
> 
> _I’d asked those on duty in the cafeteria today to bring out the smallest glasses we had, setting them out at each place. Each table was also to have a clean and sterilized knife. And at my table, that knife was to be next to my place. People didn’t know what to make of it, and so I had to show them._
> 
> _I stood and took off my coat, setting it aside. I told my people the situation, though I know Cooper and the farm workers and my advisors would have rather I didn’t tell them the truth. But I won’t lie to my people._
> 
> _I told them about how our protein supplies were dangerously low. That that part of the farm was sick. And that if we didn’t help each other, we’d starve to death. But if we helped each other, we may be able to avoid having to do things that were even worse._
> 
> _I asked everyone to share their strength with each other. If someone was weaker, sicker, to give some of that strength back to them in whatever way we could. I picked up the knife, and told my people - I give all of myself to you. I made careful cuts in my wrists, and started dripping blood into the glasses in front of me._
> 
> _Once they were full, I passed the first one to Niylah, the second to Cooper. Niylah was already so pale, I could see that the hunger had been getting to her. And to her credit, Niylah didn’t even hesitate. Even though we’re no longer together, she’s still a dear friend, and she knows me like no one else does, Bell, save for you and Lincoln. She was hungry, sure, but more importantly, she knew what I was trying to inspire. As much as I may wish it, I can’t feed all of Wonkru on my own._
> 
> _It did what it needed to do. It inspired the strongest amongst Wonkru to do the same, share their strength with those who were suffering worse effects. Indra and Gaia started up a chant, to try to break the tension and create a more peaceful atmosphere for what we had to do. Omon gon oson - all of me for all of us._
> 
> _I got so caught up in that chant and possibly delirium from blood loss that I didn’t know when to stop. Abby and Jackson had to wrestle me away from the glasses and clamp down on my wounds to stop me._
> 
> _Jackson wrapped my wrists with bandages, and told Kane to take me to my bed to rest and recover. Last I saw before passing out in Kane’s arms, Jackson was pulling Miller back to stop him too._
> 
> _I woke up a few hours later, and Kane was still sitting by my bedside. He said what I did was reckless, I asked him if he’d rather start eating people. He said I had a death wish and that it was unbecoming of a leader. I told him I’d lead through actions not words, like I’ve always done. I won’t ask anything of my people that I won’t do myself. He had no answer to that, and left._
> 
> _I know I’m right. Secrets and lies are what doomed the Ark. Kane should know that better than anyone. But I’m not going to be like that. I will lead by example._
> 
> _Omon gon oson - all of me for all of us. We will be strong by making each other strong. One clan, unified. On days like this I actually believe it._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy took a deep breath, setting the letters down and walking over to the window, taking another look at the new earth. He pressed his hand to the windowpane, feeling the comforting coolness of space through the glass. He rested his forehead against his hand as he thought more of everything that had transpired over what felt like the past weeks, though they were really 125 years ago.

Octavia had been a leader of her people, for better or worse, no matter what had transpired since the bunker was opened. He didn’t understand her style of leadership, he knew that, but he did realize now that there was nothing Octavia asked of her people that she wasn’t willing to do herself. Her plan with the worms had been pure insanity as far as he was concerned, but he was sure that if Diyoza had proposed a meeting with just Octavia to discuss terms, that she would have taken them in herself.

He wasn’t sure which option was more unsettling - that she’d sacrifice herself like that, or that she could ask someone else to do it.

> _744 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _It isn’t enough. I tried, but it isn’t enough. The blood has helped a bit, but without the proper nutrition, no one can replenish it fast enough for it to be a viable long-term solution._
> 
> _I’ve passed out five times, giving my blood to my people, and it still isn’t enough. Abby has locked me in my quarters to stop me from doing it again, and said that we have to consider the other solution now._
> 
> _Bell, I don’t know if I can do it. But if I don’t, no one else will, and then everyone will die, despite everything I’ve tried. Everyone looks to me, and this is a moment when I desperately wish that they’d look anywhere else. I remember the nightmares Lincoln had after we brought him back from being a Reaper, about everything he’d done while he’d been under that drug. And now we have to walk into that by choice?_
> 
> _We don’t have the facilities to dispose of the dead, but we do have deep freezers, and that’s where we’ve been keeping the bodies of everyone who has died. 71 people in all, over the past two years. As I write this, Abby’s giving the order for five of them to be defrosted so that they can be butchered and processed for consumption._
> 
> _This makes me sick, and I’m so tempted to just lie to my people so that they don’t have to know. But I won’t do that. I can’t do that. My justice system isn’t always what I’d wish it to be, but one thing I won’t do is lie to my people. My honesty is just about the only thing I have left to cling to, as everything else about me keeps getting chipped away._
> 
> _Honesty and giving them choices. That’s about all I’ve got left._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy’s heart sank. Clarke and Echo had both made mention of Wonkru being afraid to talk about something terrible that had gone on in the bunker. Seemed likely that this was it. Was this the secret that Octavia had been so desperate to keep, when she’d almost drained her own life to try to save her people, and it still wasn’t enough? He couldn’t imagine how devastating that must have felt for her.

The paper for the next two letters was the same as this one, so Bellamy kept reading, one right after the other.

> _745 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _Full compliance. That’s what Abby says._
> 
> _I don’t know if I can do it, Bell._
> 
> _We tried our first meal of the processed… meat… today. I had to be the one to eat first. It was horrible, it was disgusting, but I had to talk it up to everyone. Not in terms of taste, but why we had to do it. Try to convince them, while I was still trying to convince myself._
> 
> _And then Kane… he had to go and make one of his own speeches to the room, and he walked away, without eating. So many people followed him._
> 
> _After, back in my office, after a good third of the people walked out with Kane… Abby told me that’s not an option. That we need full compliance. That if people die of starvation, then they won’t be able to provide sufficient nutrition for everyone else._
> 
> _She wants me to take away their choice. She wants me to make it a crime to not be a cannibal. She wants me to break Kane, because if I do that, the rest will follow, she says._
> 
> _I can’t do this, Bell. I can’t. This is the last part of myself that I still have. Earth has broken me down piece by piece, and now I’m about to lose the last of what I still have of myself._
> 
> _I’m sitting here with my dagger in my hand. Wishing I had the courage to just end it and not have to make these choices. But if I take that way out - what will happen to my people? Will they follow anyone else? I don’t think so. I command little enough respect as Osleya as it is._
> 
> _But if I take away their choice… I can hope that it wouldn’t take too many deaths to break them. To make them eat. They’ll live, if reluctantly. And I can try to hope that the regular crime rate will be enough to feed us until the soybeans grow again._
> 
> _There’s no coming back from this, Bell. Will I save my people at the expense of myself? Force them to live while I lose the last pieces of my soul? I thought how I felt after Lincoln died was the worst I could ever feel. This is so much worse._
> 
> _I don’t want this. I never wanted any of this. I just wanted us to be able to live together. I wanted peace, fairness, equality. And this is what it has turned into? Maybe you shouldn’t have opened the bunker after Clarke sealed it, and just let us all die in Praimfaya. It would have been better than this. Anything would be better than this._
> 
> _Please tell me there’s another way. Please, Bellamy, please tell me there’s another way._
> 
> _-O._

  


> _746 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _Bell…_
> 
> _I begged them. I was on my knees, crying in front of my people, showing weakness, begging them. Just begging them to eat. I told them of how we’d already been giving ourselves to each other for survival. I told them that these people had died so that we could live. That we should respect their sacrifice._
> 
> _They still wouldn’t eat._
> 
> _And so I shot three of my people today, right there in the cafeteria._
> 
> _Indra just stood there and watched me do it._
> 
> _Kane begged me not to, but then he finally broke and ate. As did the rest of the abstainers._
> 
> _Abby retreated into herself, not a whisper to the others that it was her plan all along._
> 
> _I’ve cried all the tears I had. Now I just feel empty. A shell of what a person used to be. My people look at me with fear rather than respect, as if I’m unhinged and that I’ll shoot them at the slightest provocation._
> 
> _Maybe it is better that way. Better they think I’m terrifying than broken. If they see the weakness inside me, they’ll be more likely to try to overthrow me. And then we’ll be back to warring clans. I will not let that happen. Not after what I’ve done to keep them alive, I won’t let them kill each other._
> 
> _There’s no saving me anymore. Whatever sins they thought they were committing by eating human flesh - I’ve absolved them. Those sins are on me now. I can save them, but there’s no saving me, Bell. Not anymore. Not with the weight of what I carry now._
> 
> _You were more right than you knew with that Prometheus metaphor. I delivered them from the darkness, and damned myself in the process._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy dropped the letter on the table and pressed his palms to his eyes, trying to unsuccessfully stop the flood of tears. His shoulders shook as he sobbed into his hands, consumed with all that had happened to his sister that he’d been helpless to stop. Filled with rage at Abby and Kane, who had backed her into a corner of their own making, and then clearly disavowing any responsibility or involvement in the process, if their betrayal to Diyoza and McCreary was any indication.

He felt a light touch on his shoulder, and looked up to see Clarke there. The look of fury on his face was enough to make her back up a few steps.

“She was a _child_.” Bellamy growled. “A traumatized teenager that they gave the worst choices and responsibilities, and then turned her into a scapegoat when she followed through on them. And we went along with it.”

“I know.” Clarke said sadly. “I know. I wish we’d handled things differently. But what’s done is done, we can’t take it back. She bore it so they didn’t have to. But we can grant her the forgiveness we’ve given each other. Just like after Mount Weather.”

“She doesn’t believe she deserves it, Clarke. She doesn’t believe she can be saved. And everything I’ve said and done to her since the day we opened the bunker reinforced that thought in her mind.”

“I know. And after what we did, I ran but - she couldn’t run. She was stuck there, every day, having to walk those same halls, see their faces… she had to face it every day they were down there with no escape.”

“No wonder staying was never an option for her.” Bellamy said. “Every day we questioned why they didn’t just stay there in Polis if there was another viable solution, but we never asked what made her so desperate to leave.”

“We were so quick to judge based on what we saw, without understanding it. I’m still not sure I do, but…”

“The first thing I did when we got her out was berate her about how she’d brought one of her stories to life. When what I should have done was offer her that forgiveness. Whatever she’d had to do to keep her people alive and bring them back to the ground, she’d done it. It was over. Mission accomplished. Instead, I gave her all the reasons she needed for it not to be over.”

“But it is over now.” Clarke said, reaching out and wiping away some of Bellamy’s tears. “We’ve got a new life ahead of us. You’ve got a second chance to make things right, far away from the sins of the past. This is a new start, for all of us.”

“Yeah.” Bellamy swiped away some of his own tears. “I hope she sees it that way.”

“I think she will. Once you’ve had the chance to talk, she will.” Clarke squeezed his arm and walked away, leaving Bellamy with the rest of the letters.

> _761 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _I feel empty. Numb._
> 
> _But at least I don’t have to feel like that alone._
> 
> _That night, after I shot my people to make them eat, Niylah came to me. She didn’t say anything, just curled up behind me in bed and held me until I fell asleep. I let her._
> 
> _She was gone in the morning, but at night, she was back again. No one else dares come near me right now, not even Indra or Gaia, who are usually full of all sorts of advice to whisper into my ear._
> 
> _This went on, night after night. On the seventh night, I woke up with a nightmare of that day in the cafeteria, and Niylah finally talked to me, helping me calm down instead of screaming myself hoarse._
> 
> _I asked her why she was there. Why she wasn’t afraid of me like the others seemed to be. She told me there was nothing to be afraid of. She knew that I hated what I’d had to do, and that she recognized the sacrifice I made for them all._
> 
> _She even told me she loved me._
> 
> _The next night, when I returned to my quarters, Niylah was there again, but she wasn’t alone. Jackson and Miller were with her, and Bell, the way Miller hugged me reminded me so much of you I almost cried. And in that moment - I realized I could, and it would be okay. I could be vulnerable, with these people who cared about me and knew I was not what I had to pretend to be. They stayed for a few hours, and I started to feel more human again. Before they left, Jackson whispered to me something that I remember Jasper saying, what feels like a lifetime ago, after Lincoln died: “It’s okay to fall apart a little, Octavia”._
> 
> _They can’t take my burden from me, but they make it easier to bear it._
> 
> _I broke down in Niylah’s arms that night, first tears I’d cried in weeks. I still feel empty, but maybe a little less broken._
> 
> _Night after night since, Jackson and Miller stop in on a regular basis. Niylah has started spending the night again. Things are almost like they were before the gladiator fights started. Maybe there is some peace to be found, even in the face of darkness so horrible._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy reminded himself to thank Niylah. When everyone else had avoided Octavia, afraid of what she might do, Niylah had run straight to the middle of the storm and provided a safe harbour. Knowing his sister as he did, he didn’t doubt that Niylah had saved her from even worse darkness than already surrounded them.

But there were still many letters to go. Was this only the beginning?


	3. The Brazen Age

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy finds out how Blodreina was born, and how his sister still hoped for rescue after five years.

> _778 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _More people have died, Bell._
> 
> _I know, what else is new, right? But it wasn’t my hand that did it. I didn’t know what was happening, just that people were sick, and it was starting to spread. Jackson and Abby were working around the clock, trying to figure out what it could be and where it came from._
> 
> _But then I saw one of the victims die in front of me, and I remembered this illness, how people died from it before - it was that same virus that Murphy had brought into our camp way back at the dropship, after he’d been kidnapped and tortured by grounders._
> 
> _And used as biological warfare._
> 
> _But how could something like that have gotten into the bunker?_
> 
> _Jackson finally isolated the pathogen, and when he analyzed it, he found that it typically had an incubation period of just a few days, as we knew from our experience at the dropship, but that in special cases, it could lay dormant for weeks. Six weeks, he estimated._
> 
> _We’ve been in this bunker for over two years now. If the outbreak didn’t happen earlier, that means only one thing - someone who died on the day of the farm mutiny had it when they were killed._
> 
> _And were defrosted this week._
> 
> _It is my fault then, these deaths, for forcing people to eat our dead. Now there are even more dead - ten of them, to be precise, but that should hopefully be the last of it, as we were able to isolate the worst cases of infection to Ouskejonkru quarters. But that also means we’ve had to purge our entire active food supply, wasting all seven bodies that were in preparation. Jackson says it is likely that the pathogen is destroyed by cooking, otherwise we would all be sick, and that members of Ouskejonkru had been on butcher duty that day, which is how they would have contracted it, but I’m not taking any chances._
> 
> _We can’t eat the diseased dead either. Too risky. But now we risk starvation anyway, even after everything. After the kitchen was sterilized, we have eight bodies left. That’s only enough for a few days at optimal rates, so I’ve given the order to go to half rations every other day, for protein. It’ll take some time before we starve completely, and I won’t slaughter my people at random to make up the difference. There are some lines I won’t cross. Only the guilty should die._
> 
> _I know if Jaha were still here, he’d be whispering in my ear about a culling. Population reduction. But I won’t do it, Bell. Despite everything, despite all I’ve had to do, I won’t do that. I’d rather feed myself to my people than cross that one last line._
> 
> _-O._

  
Octavia was still alive - so she hadn’t done the latter, to Bellamy’s relief. But did that mean she agreed to a culling? Or had the crime rate gone up again and spared them such a fate?

He picked up the next letter with trepidation, seeing the irregular smears of blood on it, and worried about this next disaster that would chip away at what remained of his little sister’s sanity.

> _803 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _My mask slipped too much. People have stopped fearing me. And two people I love almost paid for it with their lives._
> 
> _When I arrived back to my quarters last night, I found Niylah, alone - on the floor with a knife in her back, barely breathing, blood already in her lungs._
> 
> _I rushed her to medical, where Jackson started prepping her for surgery. A crowd had gathered as I’d moved through the halls, fury and terror evident on my face, and they followed me._
> 
> _In that crowd lurked the man who tried to kill the woman I love. He wasn’t done yet._
> 
> _It all happened so fast, but I happened to look up from Niylah when Miller and some other guards started barking out orders to get people to move back, out of the room, and I saw it. Another knife, just like the one in Niylah’s back, this one flying towards Jackson._
> 
> _I didn’t think, I just acted, jumping in front of him and taking the knife to my shoulder. If I hadn’t, it would have skewered him right through the heart, which would have killed Niylah too, because who knows where Abby is, haven’t seen her or Kane in days._
> 
> _Miller was frozen in shock as he saw the knife fly, seeing its trajectory and knowing he was too far away to do anything about it, and it took the other two guards to tackle the perpetrator and take him away to be locked in the cells._
> 
> _Once it registered to him that both Jackson and I were still alive, Miller finally moved, slamming and locking the doors, Cooper helping him out. He gave her his gun and she stood watch while Miller helped me up and onto a table._
> 
> _The rest gets kind of fuzzy, but I just had soft tissue damage, I could wait until Jackson finished saving Niylah’s life before he worked on me. Miller sat next to me, squeezing my hand so hard I worried he’d break some fingers, whispering “thank you” over and over again._
> 
> _When I came to, after Jackson stitched up my shoulder, I looked for Niylah first, and was relieved when I saw her in the bed next to me, asleep, but breathing strong. She’d live. She’s tough. Jackson, Miller, Cooper and Indra were whispering in a corner, while Gaia was standing by the door, keeping watch. She’d shed her Fleimkepa robes a long time ago, but this was the first time I’d seen her with a weapon._
> 
> _Miller saw that I was awake, and motioned for the others to come with him to my bed. They told me what I’d already figured out, while I’d been half-delirious, watching Jackson save Niylah’s life: That in my desperation to save lives, and the way I bared myself to my people with all of my honesty, it made me vulnerable, and thus endangered the lives of everyone around me. While I was still Octavia, Osleya kom Wonkru, people would only see me as the Skaikru girl who won the Conclave._
> 
> _The people had started losing their respect for me. If I wanted to keep order, I needed to command it back again._
> 
> _Save for my private room, I’ve resisted all trappings of leadership thus far - no symbols after I tore off the Commanders’ garb way back on that day of the farm mutiny, no personal guard, I even take shifts in the kitchen or on cleaning duty._
> 
> _Apparently that ends now._
> 
> _I left medical this morning, and spent the day with Gaia, preparing for what we’d have to do that evening as we executed the man who tried to kill Niylah and Jackson. We have something special planned for him._
> 
> _No one hurts the people that I love._
> 
> _Niylah can’t move from bed yet and Jackson needed to keep an eye on her, just in case of complications. Indra stayed back in medical to protect them, just in case of more violence. Everyone else was brought to the arena to watch. Even Abby and Kane, who finally reappeared from whatever hole they’d crawled into. Everyone had to watch._
> 
> _No gladiator fight today. Just the man on his knees and my sword ending his life. Unlike the other kills here, I don’t feel any remorse for this one._
> 
> _And with his blood, Blodreina was born._
> 
> _It was Gaia’s doing, she finally gets the cult she’s been itching for ever since the end of the Commanders and the Flame. The Champion no more, now I’m to be called the Red Queen._
> 
> _Gaia painted my forehead with the man’s blood, and then mine would adorn the foreheads of my people, as they each came to kneel and swear their fealty before me. Omon gon oson - all of me for all of us. In the murderer’s blood was I reborn, and in my blood were my people._
> 
> _No mercy, no weakness. Not anymore. Not outside of my personal circle, which amounts to no more than a half a dozen people. I can’t risk it. I know that’s my honesty now dead in the water, but I won’t risk the lives of the ones I love anymore._
> 
> _I once would have liked to count Kane in that circle, but I can’t, not anymore. I saw the look on his face when he knelt to me, and it isn’t the look of a man I can trust. Abby… she walks, she talks, but I don’t think she’s in there anymore. I don’t know where she’s gone. Something broke in her after she saw what her words had done, what her words had made me do. She’s shown no interest in shouldering her part of that burden. Float her as far as I’m concerned, if I need a doctor, I trust Jackson, not her._
> 
> _I wish I didn’t need to do this, but to protect the lives of those close to me, I’ll do whatever I have to do. You understand that, don’t you, Bell?_
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy put the letter down and leaned back, rubbing his temples. Of course he understood. He’d shot Jaha to get on the dropship to protect her. He’d killed Cooper to protect Echo, Raven, Murphy and Emori from the worms. But it was still a lot to process. It had never occurred to him that Blodreina could have been born out of love. Out of Octavia’s need to protect the people around her.

Since that didn’t include Kane, who it seemed had never forgiven her for breaking him to force them to eat, it now made sense that he believed that the mask of Blodreina was all there was to Octavia. She no longer showed weakness in his presence.

So that was an answer on Kane, but what about Indra? Gaia? Both of them seemed to be in Octavia’s inner circle, yet hadn’t hesitated to instigate betrayal once the bunker was opened. What else was there? For Gaia, it could have simply been the presence of a born Nightblood in Madi. Old beliefs died hard, after all. But Indra, who had taught Octavia everything she knew? Who claimed to him and Clarke to be protecting Octavia from herself? Where had her motivations come from?

> _1195 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _Three years, Bell. We’ve been down here for over three years._
> 
> _I know it has been over a year since the last letter I wrote you. Not much has happened. We survive the best we can. The soybean plants are producing, so we’ve got a regular protein source again. People still fear me though, they seem to think I’ll make them eat human flesh again at the slightest sign of disobedience._
> 
> _Maybe I’ve been too effective at inspiring fear, because I would never do that. It is in the past, and it is going to stay there. We do not discuss the Dark Year. That is my law._
> 
> _I know I’m not the type of leader they’ll build monuments to, or write history books about. Not favourable ones, at any rate. I’ve made my peace with that. My purpose is to make sure there is a future in which people can write history books. If the human race survives, then mission accomplished._
> 
> _We will not repeat the Dark Year either. I’ve got Cooper working on some research projects to genetically modify some of our plants, hopefully reinforce others with some protein as well, so even if we have to spend the rest of our natural lives here, it is something we can survive, and say that we tried. That we lived as long as we could. That the human race did its best._
> 
> _My days are simple. Sometimes I wish they weren’t, but sometimes I’m glad for the peace. I rule by fiat, and that means no ridiculous meetings over stupid reasons. People have learned to manage their own affairs, lest word of their problems reach the elite guard, and from there the ear of Blodreina. I won’t kill them for their issues, of course I wouldn’t. Unless they break a law. But just the fear is enough._
> 
> _I train with Miller, Cooper and Gaia. Niylah and I have read most of the library at this point. And our nights are ours, not to be disturbed. Jackson and Miller come around regularly, and I know with the three of them I don’t have to wear my mask. Because that mask can be exhausting. I don’t want to be feared, but I remember what happened the last time I removed it in public. I can’t risk that again. Peace must come at the threat of a sword, that’s the only way this works. I wish there was another way, but what else can I do?_
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy thought back to the early days on the Ring. After their immediate problem of breathing was solved, there was the question of how the seven of them were going to live together - five Skaikru, two Grounders, with plenty of grievances and bad blood among them, particularly between Echo and the others. Skaikru didn’t trust her for all of the betrayals she’d instigated, Bellamy in particular didn’t trust her because she’d almost killed Octavia twice, and Emori didn’t trust her because she was Azgeda, and Azgeda cast out their _frikdreina_.

But it had been a turning point in their relationships when, after a month of being avoided by everyone save for mealtimes, Echo broke down in tears and pointed out that she, too, had now been cast out, and didn’t know where she’d be able to go from here, if anywhere, and declared her intent to float herself.

To everyone’s surprise, it had been Emori who had talked her out of it. Emori had taken her to a far corner of the Ring, though the others could still hear the two of them yelling at each other in Trigedasleng. Then it was silent for long enough that Murphy went to investigate to see if they’d killed each other.

He didn’t expect to find the girls sitting on the floor, sobbing into each other’s shoulders.

Echo had always been tight-lipped about what precisely she and Emori had talked about that day, but from then on, she integrated more with the others, though it had still taken Bellamy years to trust her.

Bellamy thought about how the situation was reversed, and on a far larger scale, in the bunker. Grounder clans that hated each other, forced to live and work together, and, at least at the outset, be reliant on Skaikru, who they hated most of all, to operate the technologies that they weren’t yet familiar with. From all the tattoos and marks that he’d seen on people he’d recognized as Skaikru, he could tell that they’d integrated into Grounder culture fairly efficiently. But it was clear that old clan enmities remained, except perhaps among the most fervent true believers of Wonkru, who were clearly a much smaller number.

Sometimes Bellamy wondered if the only person who had really believed in Wonkru was Octavia herself. Despite his best efforts, he knew she’d never felt at home anywhere, due to her long years of isolation with only him and their mother for company. Wonkru had been her opportunity to build something where she belonged, no wonder she defended her society so passionately. It wasn’t what she’d wanted, but it was the best she had.

And he’d just come in and spat all over it.

Bellamy sighed, rubbing his tired eyes, ready to sleep again despite just having been asleep for 125 years. But he pressed on, knowing he owed it to Octavia.

> _1826 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _Five years. We’ve survived five years. We tried the door, it is still sealed from above. Still covered in rubble. I guess it was too much to hope that you’d be there on the first day after those five years, digging us out._
> 
> _I won’t lie, I spent the whole day sitting on the steps below the trapdoor, waiting, listening, until Niylah finally dragged me away and put me to bed. I felt like the Girl Under the Floor again, waiting for the signal that it was safe to come out. But it never came, Bell. Why didn’t it come?_
> 
> _I’ve always wanted to hope that it would, that five years would be over, and we’d get out, and life would resume as normal, if there’s ever a possibility to go back to that. But what is normal, anyway? Is it war? Is it peace? Is it hiding under the floor, or is it roaming through the woods?_
> 
> _I just know that I don’t want to be hiding under the floor anymore. And after what I’ve done to get us this far, my people deserve better. Everything we’ve fought and died and killed for… it needs to mean something. And that something is a better life on the ground. Where we can breathe fresh air and see the sun and moon and **live** again, rather than just survive. 925 of my people are still alive, and they deserve this, they need this. I have to be able to give it to them._
> 
> _You’ve never let me down before, Bell. Please come soon. Kane and Indra are already knocking on my door, demanding that we begin Project Remnant. They’ve been spending too much time in the far corner of the library full of Second Dawn literature (Niylah and I gave that section a pass a long time ago). They said they’ll give me a month to initiate it before they go public about the situation, but like hell am I going to let my people die like that._
> 
> _I am not the Chancellor. I am not Thelonious Jaha, or Marcus Kane, or Abigail Griffin. I am also not the Commander. I am not Lexa kom Trikru or Bekka Pramheda._
> 
> _I am Blodreina, Octavia Blake kom Wonkru, and my word is law, not theirs. I won’t let them forget it._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy did the math - on the day they opened the bunker, Octavia had said they had 814 people to rescue. And here, just a little over a year earlier, Octavia had written that she had 925. From the previous letters and accountings of deaths, he had no doubt that her numbers were accurate. He’d assumed that most of the people had died during what he now knew as the Dark Year, but that no longer seemed to be the case. 275 people had died over the course of five years, thus no more than 55 per year on average, and then 111 in the last year? What had happened? Was it this Project Remnant, that he hadn’t heard of before? Or was it something else?

From the name, Bellamy assumed Project Remnant was some plan for controlled population reduction, something he knew Octavia opposed on principle, since it usually carried with it a lack of agency for who got to live and who got to die. Her compromise was her gladiator arena - the population still dropped, but people had a choice. The choice to commit a crime, or not, and then also the choice to fight.

Had Octavia taken away their choice again?


	4. The Iron Age

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy reads of the threats that Octavia encountered after the first five years - starting with a death cult and ending with him.

> _1857 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _I refused. I will not initiate Project Remnant. This plan that they made me create in the wake of the farm mutiny and Jaha’s death, that if we didn’t get out in five years, that we’d start cutting the population by twenty percent each year for five years, and hope that the remaining population would then have a more extended lifespan, and hope to get to the surface at some point._
> 
> _But I will not murder my people, Bell. I made this very clear. We’ve already lost a quarter of our population in the past five years, I won’t lose any more. We will make each other strong, and we will survive. No matter what it takes. Criminals die, the innocent live. That’s the only population reduction that I’ll stand for._
> 
> _Though this leaves me with a dilemma. People know, and there are people who want population reduction - from all across Wonkru - and if they defy me and instigate it, they are likely to target people in specific ways. Either people they hate, or clans they hate, because as much as I’ve tried to build Wonkru, there are still those who would cling to old clan hatreds. Inevitably they want to reduce a population that is not themselves._
> 
> _We’ve had a pretty regular schedule for everything, but I’m going to have to change it up. No predictability, so people can’t plan ahead for something to target someone. I have further plans as well, if needed, but I can’t reveal them here. Anyone could potentially read these, though they’d be ill-advised to enter my rooms without permission, but I can’t risk it. Only if I need to implement these further plans can I talk about them in writing._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy tried to think of what he saw here of Octavia’s plans from the outside - especially if it looked like she wasn’t trusting some of the people who had been closest to her before, such as Indra. The creation of erratic chaos - this might have looked questionable, even if he could admit that Octavia had a reason behind it. Unpredictability was the best way to avoid a planned attack of any kind, be it on her or others, though she didn’t seem to be particularly concerned about herself.

He could tell that she didn’t want a repeat of what had happened with the attempts on Niylah and Jackson’s lives. Would she have pushed them away? It didn’t seem that she had in the wake of the attempts on their lives, but perhaps at that point Wonkru feared her enough. Did they still fear her now?

> _1883 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _Someone has initiated their version of Project Remnant. I don’t know who it is, yet, but I will find out. Several people have died of poisoning. Different clans, but all after mealtimes. It has to be in the food, or on the plates, or something like that._
> 
> _I will find who it is. And I have to do it quietly. Can’t have the people panicking more than they already are. Can’t have people tipped off. Because I can tell there are also those who **want** to die. They’re not going to get their wish either. I didn’t keep us alive just so we could kill ourselves._
> 
> _I’ve started questioning people. First on my list was Cooper, because while she’s been loyal to me ever since winning that first fight, I have to consider that she was, at first, a traitor. And she works right there in the hydrofarm._
> 
> _She swears it wasn’t her. No matter what I threatened her with. There are plenty of ways to make people suffer without even touching them. Especially after what we’ve gone through._
> 
> _But it wasn’t her. Even after everything, she asked what it is that she could do to prove her loyalty. I asked her to resign her job in the farm, take the traitors marks on her forehead and join my personal guard. She didn’t hesitate, even though she knows what those marks mean in Grounder culture. Lincoln had them, too, and his people cast him out._
> 
> _When I won the Conclave, Indra said how proud Lincoln would have been. I doubt he’d think the same now. After everything I’ve done, Bell… I could never be as good as he was. As kind, as optimistic. I tried, but it never worked. Everything just gets worse. At least now I have Niylah, who doesn’t judge me for what I’ve done. She knows that everything I do is to make sure our people survive, and she believes that one day, we will get back to the ground and it will all have been worth it._
> 
> _I wish I shared her optimism, but every day, I lose a bit more of that hope. That hope that things can get better. That one day we’ll be free from this place and all of its ghosts, and able to make a better life on the ground instead of beneath it. I want to hope, but all hope has ever given me is suffering._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy had wondered if his sister still thought about Lincoln, many years on now. How almost everything that she’d done since his death came back to it somehow - vengeance against Pike, assassinations when the pain of vengeance overtook her, and finally her fight in the Conclave, where she fought for all people instead of just her own.

Now he was seeing the same despondency in her letters that he’d been feeling from the others on the Ring, after the five years passed and they had no options. It hit Raven and Murphy the hardest, and they all coped in their different ways, often falling back on old habits that never really went away. Did the same happen in the bunker? While they had known fairly early on that getting out wasn’t going to be as easy as they’d hoped, did they still harbour that hope that someone would come to rescue them? Or had everyone lost hope a long time before?

> _1915 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _Someone innocent died, Bell. Not by some Remnant cultist, but in the arena. And it cuts me up inside that I let it happen._
> 
> _I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t. I only uncovered it today when I finally got my hands on one of the Remnant cultists. They’d written down their plans. Foolish. But there I saw that one of their plans was to frame innocents with all sorts of crimes, to increase the rate at which people died in the arena, trusting me to carry out my form of justice._
> 
> _They’d already succeeded in framing one. A young guy from Delfikru. He went into the arena yesterday and didn’t come out. I thought it was justice, but - but this isn’t justice. He was innocent. I just didn’t see it in time. I trusted my justice, but even my justice has failed me._
> 
> _I’ve locked down the arena, and there will be no more fights until all of the Remnant cultists are found. That’s not what I said, of course, I just said the fights were stopping for now. Kane thinks I’ve turned over a new leaf. He thinks it is a sign that I’ll consider peaceful population reduction. Like hell I will._
> 
> _I’ve locked up the cultist separately from the other criminals. As I will continue to do to any others that I find. They won’t have the opportunity to die. Make no mistake, I’ll make them wish they were dead many times over, but I will not give them that final satisfaction._
> 
> _I’ve also changed how we eat. We share our plates, pass them around, one bite at a time. Omon gon oson, as we’ve prayed for years now. This means no poison can be targeted to one, for all will share. People might get a bit sick, but none will die unless the cultists are willing to try to kill all of us._
> 
> _Maybe they will try. But they risk hurting the ones they love that way. And people suddenly become a lot more careful if they think the ones they love are at risk. Believe me, I know that better than anyone._
> 
> _-O._

  
Had this been Octavia’s personal crusade? Bellamy wondered if she even told the people closest to her - by his calculations, that would be just Niylah, Jackson and Miller, since it seemed she no longer trusted Indra - about what she was doing. Who she was hunting for. For those not in the know, all of Octavia’s actions could have looked like extreme paranoia. Not that it wasn’t paranoia, but it was justified - if people knew what was happening. If they didn’t, they may have judged Octavia’s actions a lot differently.

Bellamy believed her when she wrote that the death of innocents bothered her. Her entire system was set up to only punish the guilty, even if what they were guilty of could be comparatively minor. Knowing that an innocent died in it would have been devastating, he knew that better than anyone.

> _1976 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _I’m getting closer, I’ve caught a few more, but some of them are still eluding me. Niylah, Jackson and Miller are helping me now, I didn’t want to risk their lives by bringing them into this, but it is starting to threaten all of us if I don’t. The soybean yield is down, and while we’re still good for a few months, if someone poisons the supply - I don’t even want to think about it. I don’t want to think about what we might have to do again. The Remnant might get their wish then, because so many of our dead recently have been poisoned, the population would go down rapidly due to lack of food._
> 
> _I’ve posted trusted guards in the hydrofarm, especially on the protein plants. Cooper is keeping personal watch there. And the harvested crop is under lock and key in my quarters, only doled out as necessary to the kitchen, which Miller and I supervise personally. Farm yield is down overall, but we can still make it. But we’ll need a real miracle if we have to be here longer than another eight months._
> 
> _The Remnant has killed 35 of my people, Bell. Seven of the cultists are now locked up, but I won’t let them die. I know they want to, but I won’t let it happen. We’re going to survive, dammit. I didn’t go through hell just to have my people die on me._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy did the math again, and he saw that they’d opened the bunker 7.5 months after this letter - right in that time where Octavia said that their supplies were about to run out. He knew that Wonkru rations had been pretty dismal, but he hadn’t known just how dire things had been, and what a miracle Monty had accomplished with his algae, before Octavia burned it down.

He could see why Octavia didn’t want to live in the bunker anymore, he understood why she wanted - _needed_ \- to take her people to the valley - though he admitted he still didn’t understand why she didn’t leave her people the option of staying if they weren’t haunted by the same ghosts she was, though all of Wonkru was to some extent. Some would have preferred the peace with ghosts than risk their lives in the valley.

Though, he had to admit now, that even if only half of Wonkru had marched and somehow been able to take the valley, anyone who had stayed behind in Polis would have died when McCreary launched the explosives into the valley, destroying half the planet again.

Impossible choices, indeed. Choices where you had to assume the worst of your opponent, unless given a damn good reason not to, otherwise chances of survival were diminished even more. Maybe he had been naive to believe that they could have had a functional truce.

> _2148 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _I did it. Finally. I believe I’ve arrested all of the Remnant cultists. It took Miller almost dying to do it, but thankfully Jackson and Niylah were able to save him._
> 
> _The last three were getting desperate. After I locked down almost all of their opportunities to kill, they started following a predictable pattern. They got Miller with a syringe of their poison yesterday, and I’d arrest Abby if I could find enough proof that she supplied it to them, but alas I can’t. I don’t think she did on purpose, anyway, just left something out during her shift that someone took advantage of. If I could clone Jackson so he could be on duty all the time, I would, but unfortunately I can’t and that means reckoning with Abby’s carelessness._
> 
> _But if I’ve got them all now, then things should be all right. I’ll leave a moratorium on the arena for another month - though common criminals are starting to add up - and our food supply will stay as it is, something we share between ourselves, one bite at a time. Abby’s rarely around where I can see her, so I’ve been able to stretch the protein more by adding my blood to the rations. Though Jackson suspects I’m sure, since once Miller had to carry both me and the ration bars we’d baked back to my quarters after I passed out in the kitchen. We’ve baked enough for two months of rations, we’ve got supplies for maybe another month after that if we’re lucky. After that… our chances don’t look good, Bell. We’ve been down here almost six years. That’s a year longer than predicted, but I don’t know how much longer we can go._
> 
> _Once the moratorium is over, and the fights begin again - if I run out of criminals - and we still - no. I won’t think about it. I won’t kill my people. They can have me before I do that._
> 
> _Please save us, Bell. Please. What last hope I have, please take it. Please have it, and find us. Save my people, even if I’m beyond saving._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy felt queasy as he thought about the Wonkru rations that he’d eaten for days. He hadn’t asked what was in them, because they didn’t taste like anything, but now to think he’d been eating his sister’s blood - that hadn’t been anything new for Wonkru, but for him and Clarke and Monty and Harper? He shuddered.

Though, he supposed, it was lucky for them that Wonkru had even shared their rations with them, given how low on food they were.

> _2201 Days after Praimfaya_
> 
> _Supplies are low. People are getting restless, even though the fights in the arena have started again. But today is going to be the worst._
> 
> _Kane is going into the arena. He confessed to stealing medicine. I don’t think it was him, but with a confession, there’s nothing more I can do. Only the guilty should fight in the arena, but it seems like he’s given up. I try to lock those people away, but I’m going to have to start putting them in the arena soon, even if I’d rather not. Maybe Kane’s wish for population reduction will finally come to pass, even if he isn’t around to see it._
> 
> _I don’t want to put Kane in the arena, Bell, I really don’t. But what choice do I have? If I don’t enforce our laws for everyone, then the entire system will break down. Everyone would go to war. Again. And we’d lose everything - everything we did to survive, it would be for nothing. And I’d lose everyone. Because no one is stupid enough to come after Blodreina directly, but it would only be a matter of time before Jackson turned up dead, or Miller, or god forbid Niylah. I can’t let that happen. I won’t risk their lives again._
> 
> _So after everything I’ve tried - I’ve bled myself for my people, I’ve killed for them, taken the hard choices so they didn’t have to - despite all of it, it won’t matter. It still all comes to this._
> 
> _Maybe it’s a good thing that you’ve never returned from space, to see me like this. To see what I have to do. What lengths I’ve had to go to to keep my people alive. No matter how many people I try to save, death always follows. Maybe it’s better that you remember me as I was when you last saw me - the champion, the saviour of all of the clans, uniting everyone in peace. You didn’t need to see what peace turned into._
> 
> _Goodbye, Bell. I hope that space was better, because this place is cursed. Ironic, after how much people fought for it. It didn’t save us from anything. It didn’t save me. It took everything I had, and it still wasn’t enough. I’m sorry._
> 
> _-O._

  
2201 days. By his count, they’d opened the bunker on the 2202nd day after Praimfaya. Which meant - whatever it was that his sister had been planning, opening the bunker had stopped it. Whether it was population reduction according to the Project Remnant plan, or whether Octavia was ready to give up her own life - he’d stopped it.

He’d stopped it, but her nightmare was far from over, that he knew. Only now he was a part of it. There were still a few more letters in the pile.

> _Day 1 on the Ground_
> 
> _This should have been the happiest day of my life. How did it all go so wrong?_
> 
> _When you blasted open the arena, just seconds before I was about to kill Kane, I thought it was a miracle. Finally we’d been saved, and it was you - just like I’d hoped for for years. You’re alive, you’re all alive. And you came for me._
> 
> _But you brought more death into my house, Bellamy. You brought these murderers into my home, and somehow didn’t think it was all going to blow up in our faces? You got several of my people killed, I don’t even know how many injured, but those injured included me._
> 
> _I could have died. And these are the people you make deals with now? You’re lucky that my people are willing to live and die for Blodreina, otherwise your noble plan to make a deal with murderers to rescue me would have been all for nothing, because that would have been me pulverized on the street there._
> 
> _I’ve been at war for six years. I’d been hoping that once we got back to the ground, that the war would finally end. But the war goes on. With new variables._
> 
> _How many more of my people will have to die before we reach our salvation? How many of my people are you and Clarke willing to risk? You don’t make the rules here, you don’t know what we’ve been through. I wanted to tell you but - but you’re not the brother I once knew. I know you’ve always wanted to protect me, but I’ve spent six years without your protection, making those impossible decisions that you and Clarke are so famous for. I’d been hoping for at least an acknowledgment of that rather than you deciding from one glance that the society I’ve built is a joke._
> 
> _I’ve worked hard for this. I’ve fought and I’ve bled and I’ve done unspeakable things to make sure my people survived. You have no idea, and now I doubt you ever will._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy had already realized a number of letters ago how condescending he’d been in his first real conversation with his sister in six years. And she’d seen it too. When he should have been granting her forgiveness, all he gave her was derision. And she’d known it.

He should have done better.

He sighed and carried on, knowing he deserved whatever anger the letters threw at him.

> _Day 3 on the Ground_
> 
> _Et tu, Bellamy?_
> 
> _All you can do is disparage me and question me in front of MY people, and then that traitor shows up and the first thing she does is jump into your arms?_
> 
> _I’m not the only one who has changed, that much is clear. Because the Bellamy I know would never have fallen for that traitor. She tried to kill me, have you forgotten that? Or does that not matter anymore?_
> 
> _I get it, you know, you’ve turned over a new leaf, you’ve had six years of peace and tranquility. You’ve had the luxury of redemption. I wish I could do the same, but I have a war to fight. I don’t have the luxury of time to give traitors to redeem themselves._
> 
> _I just wish that whatever forgiveness you could give her, you could give in understanding to me. At least Clarke seems to get that even when you don’t. But she was always the brains of your operation, wasn’t she? I wonder what she thinks of you taking up with that traitor._
> 
> _So while you flaunt your love with that banished traitor, the war you’ve given me means that my love is no longer safe. Love makes you vulnerable. Love is weakness. Not - not in the way people usually mean it. Love is a beautiful thing. But it gives your enemies weaknesses to exploit. Before we headed off for this battle, Niylah told me that I’ve got the truest heart she’s ever known. That despite all the darkness we’ve lived through, she still knows that about me. That I always want to believe the best of people. She talks about it like it is a strength, but it is a weakness in times of war._
> 
> _I’d wanted to introduce you to her, Bell. The first chance we had. But now I’m not so sure. I don’t trust you, and I won’t risk her. I wish it was different, I really do._
> 
> _-O._

  
It hurt, to see that she’d already stopped trusting him that quickly. But Bellamy supposed that he deserved it. Everything he’d done had shown her that she couldn’t rely on him anymore.

That she hadn’t even trusted him enough to share the happy parts of her life with him - that hurt the most. But with such limited light in her life compared to the darkness he’d now read about, he couldn’t blame her. What would he have done, what would Clarke have done, if they’d known just how close Octavia and Niylah were? He didn’t even want to think about it.

> _Day 4 on the Ground_
> 
> _Bellamy, you’re playing dirty in a world you don’t understand. I can’t be a leader who shows favoritism or empathy or any of those lovely things you gorged yourself on on the Ring. The more you defy me in public, the less I’m able to grant what you want. You need better timing, big brother, if Echo could have taught you anything, it should have been that._
> 
> _I know you’re mad that I had traitors shot. But I’m sure if Echo were here she would agree with me - Diyoza is not likely to buy her story if I just let them all go. And that would make things more dangerous for her, because those people are dangerous. They’ll kill her if they suspect anything. Is that something you want? I may not like Echo, and I certainly don’t trust her, but I don’t want her dead, you have to believe me._
> 
> _It’s almost hilarious, what you said to me in the training room. You say I should trust Echo because she’s proved herself, because you’re trying to understand who I’ve become. But are you? You aren’t trying to understand a damn thing. You just keep treating me like your little sister and not as the leader of what’s left of the human race._
> 
> _And then there’s the child. Did Clarke really believe that I was stupid enough to believe that lie? There’s no way Praimfaya would have given Clarke time to give her synthetic nightblood. I trust Clarke as a leader, but as a mother? She’s trouble._
> 
> _Thankfully, Madi herself has the sense that both you and Clarke lack. She came to me and told me the truth. She doesn’t want to be Commander, and I respect that. I know she might change her mind at some point, and that’s fine too. I let her join Wonkru because Clarke is not the person to be raising someone who could be Commander. Clarke doesn’t understand Grounder tradition and culture like Wonkru and I do._
> 
> _Madi can train with us, learn from us. We’ll take the valley, and one day should she choose the Flame, she’ll be more ready to lead than any Commander has ever been before, since she’ll have the skills to fight but will hopefully inherit a world with peace. That’s what we all want for the next generations, isn’t it? A world without fighting? If I can grant her that, so she doesn’t have to make the hard decisions I’ve had to, then why wouldn’t I?_
> 
> _She tells me her parents hid her from the Flamekeepers. She grew up under the floor, much like I did. They didn’t want her to be hardened by a novitiate’s training and risk her life in a Conclave to become Commander. I feel that. I wish I could have had that. But if I couldn’t, at least it is something I can give her - what passes for a normal childhood in this world, anyway._
> 
> _People still believe in the Flame here, and if I hadn’t taken steps to contain the situation, and bring Madi under my wing, they could be trying to force it on her. But with my protection, people wouldn’t dare do that._
> 
> _Unfortunately, Clarke doesn’t seem to see it that way._
> 
> _-O._

  
It surprised Bellamy, unfortunately more than it should have, that Octavia’s intentions with Madi were benevolent. From the way Clarke had framed it, Octavia seemed to be purposefully goading her. But she’d really related to the child, given their similar backgrounds.

It shouldn’t have surprised him, and that made him even sadder for the conclusions he’d jumped to.

> _Day 5 on the Ground_
> 
> _You had no right, Bellamy. No right to interfere with my research projects. All you’re doing is making things harder for me, for all of us, to survive. I need you to trust me, but I know you’re not going to do that, which makes this all so much harder._
> 
> _I know Clarke doesn’t believe me that I want to protect Madi too. But we’re all going to be in this battle, like it or not. And in such a battle, the safest place for her is by my side as my second. You’ve already seen how my soldiers are ready to die for me. If I give the order, they’ll protect her too, even if I should fall._
> 
> _I just want to save my people and give them the life they deserve. And while we’re trapped in this place with all its ghosts, and pinned down by the threat of missiles, my people aren’t safe anywhere. I can’t give them the life I fought so hard for them to have. I need to give them this, give them that freedom and that life again, so they can stop surviving and start living. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for them. Please believe that._
> 
> _-O._

  
In the moment, when he and Clarke had confronted Octavia about the worms, Bellamy hadn’t wanted to see it. To think about it, what he and Clarke had done compared to what Octavia was doing. But she’d been right, about all of it - as much as he didn’t want to think about it, acceptable losses had always been a part of their calculations as well. Especially Clarke’s, and it pained him to think about just how many times Octavia had been Clarke’s acceptable loss - when the missile dropped on TonDC, when she’d locked her out of the bunker during the Final Conclave… no wonder she dismissed their concerns now.

There were two letters left in the pile, and he looked at them with trepidation. They were both covered in bloody fingerprints, and as he unfolded the first one, he could immediately tell it wasn’t like any other letter of Octavia’s that he’d read. Her writing was erratic, there was no dating, but there was no mistaking when it had been written - just before he’d gone into the arena.

> _Bellamy_
> 
> _Bell?_
> 
> _BELLAMY_
> 
> _What did you do to me? To us?_
> 
> _You killed my people_
> 
> _You tried to kill me, your sister, who you swore to protect_
> 
> _I TRUSTED YOU._
> 
> _And now we all die_
> 
> _How could you say you loved me when you’ve killed us all_
> 
> _But for some reason I still want to save you but no one will help me, they say that I can stop it, but I can’t stop it, I can’t stop it and win this war too. And war is the only option. Do you really think the prisoners will let us live our own lives? In peace? Are you so fucking naive that this army of murderers and thieves is really a better option than your own sister?_
> 
> _I know I’ve fallen_
> 
> _But you don’t know just how or why_
> 
> _The road to hell is paved with good intentions_
> 
> _Everyone says they want to protect me from myself. If only they knew how._
> 
> _We’re all murderers, that’s true. But they lived in a time with choices. We’ve read about it, we’ve seen the shows, the movies. We haven’t had the same choices. It’s fight or die. There is no other option._
> 
> _Fight_
> 
> _Or die_
> 
> _Please fight Bell. Please._

  
Bellamy dropped his head onto his arms, sobbing onto the tabletop. He’d never forgive himself for what he did to Octavia, because now he had the last sign he needed that what he’d done to her - _poisoning_ his little sister, ostensibly to protect her from herself - had been the final straw that broke her. He’d brushed off what Miller had said to him, before, in the cell and then after the hydrofarm - but this showed that it was all true.

He’d broken his sister. He’d thought that he was preventing a war. Instead, everything that he’d done had ensured that it would happen.

Bellamy pulled himself together and unfolded the last letter.

> _Day 10 on the Ground_
> 
> _I woke up in the wasteland this morning. I didn’t know how or why I got here. Thankfully Niylah was there to hold me and explain, even though I’d said she needed to stay away from me for her own safety. But she knew what I needed, like she always does._
> 
> _The last thing I remember is you coming to see me and us sharing rations. I don’t remember writing that last letter. I’m told that you poisoned me, Bell. How could you do that? To your own blood? Your own sister, who you swore to protect a long time ago?_
> 
> _Jackson saved me, Niylah says. But he made the mistake of telling Indra. Indra, who I once called seda, who also betrayed me, just like you._
> 
> _And you used Madi, against my wishes, against Clarke’s wishes? How could you do that to a child? She’s not ready for such a responsibility. If Clarke has any sense, she’s taken the girl far into the forest on the far side of the valley, and after this battle is won, then she’ll come back to peace. Because I’m powerless to protect her now. And I’m worried that Clarke does not have that much sense and it could get Madi killed. You did that, Bell._
> 
> _Niylah says that I put you in the arena with Gaia and Indra. Gaia tried to kill me with a spear. Then Monty and Harper came in and told everyone about how they were regrowing the farm. No one was going to march. And then I burned the farm to force them. Took away their choice again._
> 
> _I’m sorry, Bell. I didn’t - if things had gone differently, and if my mind was all there, I wouldn’t have done it. But I’m not all here. I haven’t been for a long time, if I ever was. I’ve always been a bit broken. I thought you of all people would recognize when I was being pushed too far. But you were the one who pushed me, Bell. Pushed me into that abyss that has been staring me in the face for too long, but that I’ve always been able to step back from._
> 
> _Not even Niylah can pull me back this time. I’ve gone too far. But at least I can have a good death in battle instead of wasting away in that bunker. I’ll die giving my people what I’ve wanted for them for years now. That will have to be good enough, because there’s no saving me now. I have to see this through._
> 
> _-O._

  
Bellamy let out a long sigh, setting the last letter on the table and rubbing the tears off his cheeks. So that was it. He finally knew his sister’s story. The pain. The horror. The impossible choices. The powerlessness. What she’d done. What he’d done. All the signs he’d missed of the living nightmare she’d been trapped in.

Very carefully, he folded up all of the letters, filing them together in order, making sure he didn’t leave any lying around. They were intensely private, and he knew Octavia wouldn’t want them getting out. He didn’t want to damage their relationship any further by letting just anyone see her innermost thoughts and fears and pain.

He slipped them into his pocket, and headed off into the ship to find Clarke and Jordan, and tell them what he needed to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I firmly believe that Octavia was in a disassociative episode of PTSD from the time she woke up from Bellamy's poisoning until well into their march in the desert. All of episode 5x10 shows her slowly crumbling more and more, and we even see her standing in the arena having flashbacks. All of the characters suffer from PTSD to one extent or another, and we've seen some particularly harrowing cases of characters hitting their triggers and what's resulted from that (Jasper and Finn in particular), so that being the case for Octavia here is completely believable.


	5. A New Age

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy talks with Clarke and Niylah, and finds the reassurances he needs before he wakes up his sister.

Bellamy found Clarke and Jordan in an area set up like a living room from one of the movies he’d watched as a child. It seemed so incongruous with the rest of the ship, but he imagined Monty and Harper here, with a young Jordan, and the idea filled him both with pain and joy. Pain, since his friend were now long dead, but joy, that they were able to beat the odds and and enjoy a long life together.

Clarke stood up as soon as she saw Bellamy.

“Did you read them all?” she asked.

Bellamy nodded, squeezing the bridge of his nose to try to prevent the tears from coming again. “What have we done?”

“The best we could. But we’ll do better now. We’ll make it right.”

“I need to talk to her. And Niylah, actually. I want to talk to her first, before I wake up my sister.”

Clarke looked puzzled. “Niylah? Why?”

“They’ve been together for years, Clarke. They love each other. Niylah - she’s been there for Octavia when I haven’t been. I need to thank her, and hope that she doesn’t hate me for everything I’ve done.”

Clarke’s eyes widened. “Oh. Neither of them said anything. I never thought -”

“She didn’t trust us. And she was right not to, given how we treated the people close to her. If anything had happened to Niylah - then she wouldn’t forgive me. But she’s all right. So I still have a chance.”

Clarke nodded. “Well, we need to be careful with how many people we wake up. Jordan here tells me that the algae farm that he’s extended will support a dozen people for regular meals. We’ve got a lot to discuss before we go down to the new planet, but - if you want to wake up Octavia and Niylah, then you should do it. We’ll work out the other seven people after.”

“Thank you.”

He hugged Clarke, and walked back towards the cryopods. It took some time before he found Niylah in the directory, but he found her, not too far away from Octavia. Bellamy pressed the button, watching as Niylah’s cryopod slid open. She blinked a few times, taking in her surroundings before her eyes settled on him, immediately taking on a look of mistrust.

“Bellamy.” She said carefully. 

He held up the pile of letters. “I wanted to talk.”

Her eyes narrowed. “You had no right to read those. Because despite your best efforts, Octavia is still alive. She is alive, isn’t she?”

“Yes. She is. I’m sorry, Niylah. I’m sorry for everything I did to you in the past, and I’m sorry for what I did to Octavia. She’s my sister, and I love her.”

Niylah sat up, hanging her legs over the edge of the cryopod. “When she needed you the most, you almost killed her instead. That’s a funny way of showing love. How am I supposed to forgive that?”

“Because that’s who you are. You forgive people, even if they don’t deserve it.”

“So that’s what you got from those letters? That I forgave Octavia everything she did, even though I shouldn’t have? That she didn’t deserve to be forgiven? Is that right?”

“No, I mean - I’m not saying this right.”

“That’s perhaps the first thing we agree on.” Niylah jumped down from the cryopod, stepping directly into Bellamy’s personal space, staring him down. “The only reason you’re still alive is because Octavia still loves you. And I won’t be another person who betrays her. What you did to her was unconscionable.”

Bellamy sighed, looking down. “I know. I’m so sorry.”

“So am I.” Niylah said softly, but her gaze sharpened as she looked at him again. “Not to you. But her. I was there for her, in my own way. But I - we - we all failed her, Bellamy. She wanted everyone to blame her, so their own consciences would be clear. ‘I bear it, so they don’t have to’, she always said. I think Clarke told me something like that too once, a long time ago. But what Clarke had to bear was nothing like what Octavia had to for six long years. And even when we shouldn’t have, we let her. We let her be Atlas, with the world on her shoulders. And for that I am deeply sorry.”

“Is there hope?”

“For what? For her to forgive you, or for her to regain her mind, be the person she used to be?”

Bellamy rubbed his hand over his face. “Both? I don’t know. She said in that last letter that I pushed her too far. That there was no saving her anymore.”

“She’s said that to me many times. I’ve never believed it. If she’s still alive, she can still be saved. I always have hope for her. And if you’re ready to have hope for her too, then perhaps it will be possible. But she’ll need time. And peace. Away from the ghosts that torment her. Don’t make her go back to that bunker, Bellamy.”

“That you don’t need to worry about. Not an option.”

Niylah looked around, noticing that most of their people still slept on in the cryopods, and that they were the only people awake in the room.

“We’ve been asleep longer than ten years.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Yes. And we’re nowhere near Earth anymore. We’ve got a new planet, a new chance, a fresh start.”

“Do we know what is on that planet?”

“No. Not yet.”

Niylah nodded, deep in thought. “It could be fine, or it could have dangers. I know she’ll want to dive headlong into danger, but - she needs peace, Bellamy. Do you understand that?”

“I do. You think she should stay asleep, until we’re clear about what we’ll be facing there?”

“No. This sleep we’ve had, for however long it has been, isn’t peace. It is a pause. She needs to be awake to have the opportunity to heal. To heal her mind, her body, her spirit. Could you grant her that?”

Bellamy nodded. “This is a big ship. We’re not waking everyone up right away, we don’t have the supplies for it. But I can make sure the two of you have space away from everyone else. You both can stay up here while some of us go down to the planet and see what’s -”

“Not just the two of us.”

“Of course, I’ll get Jackson and Miller woken up for you as well, I know they were important to her -”

Niylah put her hand on Bellamy’s arm. “Bellamy. Stop.”

It slowly dawned on him. “You want me there too.”

“Yes. I know you have this overwhelming need to fight all the battles, make all the decisions, save your people. She had to learn it all from someone.” Niylah smiled ruefully. “But she’s your people too. Your sister needs you, Bellamy. Let someone else fight this battle, the only one you need to fight right now is for her.”

“Yeah. Okay. I’ll - I’ll tell Clarke. Octavia’s just over there, you should wake her up. Come to the bridge when you’re ready and we’ll get those rooms sorted out.”

“Bellamy.” Niylah gave him a look. “It should be you.”

“Niylah, what if - what if I can’t do this? What if I just make things worse?”

“You not being there would be worse. Trust me. I’ll go find Clarke.”

“Thank you.”

Niylah nodded, and disappeared out the door.

Bellamy closed her cryopod, and went over to Octavia’s, looking at his sister sleeping peacefully under the ice, though he knew that she still wrestled with demons in her dreams. He didn’t remember dreaming, though, perhaps she’d also managed a dreamless sleep for the past 125 years.

He took a deep breath, pushing the button, and watched as the ice unsealed, releasing his sister back to the waking world. He watched silently as she struggled to wakefulness, her eyes going to him immediately. She registered the bundle of letters in his hand, and swallowed hard, making no move to get up, or even speak.

It would be up to him then, to start.

“Morning, O.”

He would do better this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as a preview of the one-shots that I've already got planned for this series (probably posted non-chronologically): The beginnings of Niytavia (Octavia/Niylah) and Mackson (Jackson/Miller), a chat between Bellamy and Miller set during 5x10, Niylah offering Octavia comfort after the start of the Dark Year, fireside chats with Niytavia and Mackson, who have quickly become my favourite brotp foursome. I think it is telling that in 5x09, while Octavia is in her coma, it is Niylah, Jackson and Miller in the room with her there, before the others come in.
> 
> If there are any requests, let me know! And if there's demand for that long-awaited chat between Bellamy and Octavia, or the beginnings of their healing process on Eligius IV while others go off having adventures, let me know too <3


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